Learning to Be
by lau1024
Summary: Meredith knew that she needs to be a better person, if not for her but for someone that is very important to her, so she moves on leaving Derek behind. Will she come back? Post 4.11. MERDER.
1. Chapter One: Determined

**A/N: New Grey's Fic…R&R please**

**Chapter One**

The whole team was there looking on, waiting with her as she watches over her son in his hospital bed. Meredith caught Derek's eyes just for a second. A second that spoke volumes, it told of regret and disappointment; of heartache and helplessness; of broken dreams and finding new ones. She turned instead and looked on the scene before her.

Meredith watched Dr. Bailey as stayed beside her son's hospital bed; waiting, praying, having faith. She had admired Dr. Bailey from the get go, she was a brilliant surgeon, a great mentor and an amazing leader; she was the voice of reason that was missing in Meredith's life before coming in Seattle Grace; she was like the mother that she never had.

She had admired her strength and stability despite all, and to still see her strong doctor at the same time be the vulnerable mother of her son's journey was remarkable; so amazing that others might have crumbled and gave up. But not Dr. Bailey, she still believed and she persevered.

Meredith knew that was the kind of mother she needs to be; the kind that is focused and able despite all distractions and all the McDreamys and slutty nurses. She knew she cannot do it here, with Derek here and with Thatcher here. She need to go and find herself, be strong, get over all the issues, the daddy issues, the mommy issues, the sister issues. She needs to be what her mother was right to expect of her…extraordinary.

"Chief."

Richard Webber looked up from fixing his things in his office, surprised to see her there. "Meredith, its been a long day for all of us. We'll catch up tomorrow."

"I plan not to be here tomorrow, Chief."

That surprised Richard immensely as he looked on the daughter whose mother mattered most to him once upon a time. She was the daughter that could-have been his to be proud of. "What do you mean?"

Meredith held out a form, it was filled out except for one thing, "It's all arranged, just need your signature," she moved forward still pushing the papers towards him, "I got a surgical residency slot in Cedars in Los Angeles. The chief was one of the few colleagues of my mother introduced me to. I start there day after tomorrow."

"Just like that? What is this about? Is this about Derek?" his voice contained, stunned. "I thought you were better than that. You don't run away, Meredith."

"I'm doing what is best for me…" Meredith put her hands on her stomach, "what is best for us."

Richard stood there speechless.

Meredith smiled, "I am" She drew in her breath, "I know I have to be better to fix myself before he or she comes. With everything here, with all that's happened I can't do that."

He nodded, understanding her intentions. "Give me the form," she gives it to him relieved "I expect you to call at least once a week."

"Yes." She got the papers back, "You are the only grandfather this child will ever know, I hope you see us when the time comes."

He nods. "Count on it."

She turns to leave before looking back again, "He doesn't know. Only Izzie, Alex, George and Christina know where I am going. I hope it stays that way."

"It will, I hope you find what you are looking for, for both your sakes"

"Thank you."

**Good? Bad? Continue?  
**


	2. Chapter Two: Unexpected

**Chapter 2**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews. I hope you stay with me on this story…******

When Meredith got out of the airport, she felt like she stepped into a whole new world. It was hot, sunny and noisy, the exact opposite of Seattle; bright and shiny, definitely better than dark and gloomy Seattle. She knew she had made the right choice, when she felt the sun hit her face as she looked out of her cab window.

She had booked herself to a hotel for the time being until she found a place to stay. First she would settle into the hotel then find herself an OB/GYN to check her out. She had just learned about the pregnancy from a dozen sticks of positive pregnancy tests in her bathroom the other day. Then she had the Derek drama then moving to L.A., she did not have the chance to have the baby checked.

After getting settled into the hotel, she was back inside the cab; _Note to self, need to buy a car._ She had seen the highways that make up the city of L.A. and she knew that she need to have a car to get around, especially with the baby coming. Having a famous surgeon for a mother help in the monetary department, most of what was left to her was in the bank, waiting to be put into good use.

She had told her driver to take her to a clinic that she found in the phone book. Oceanside Wellness Group, after her consult, a walk on the beach will probably be a good thing for her.

After paying the cab and taking the elevator, she approached the reception where a hunky guy was sitting taking calls.

"Hi."

The guy looked up and smiled, "Hi! Welcome to Oceanside Wellness Group, do you have an appointment?"

Meredith couldn't help but grin back, "Actually I just landed at LAX this morning, so I was wondering if I can see your OB/GYN as a walk-in."

"Sure no problem, the OB/GYN is available right now, so just fill out this form and I will get her for you."

"Thank you."

She took a sit at the couches for waiting patients; she had never experienced this kind of medical care. It seemed so intimate and homey even, so unlike being in the hospital where everything is all sterile and cold.

"Hi Dell, you have a patient for me?"

"Yes, she's right there. Ms. Grey."

Addison Montgomery, was not perturbed by the familiar sounding last name, instead she approached the couches and called, "Ms. Grey."

Meredith looked up and stared open mouth at the last person she expected to see in the world. "Addison?"

"Grey? Meredith?"

Definitely the last person she expected to see and most definitely the last person she wanted as her doctor. _Crap._


	3. Chapter Three: Addison

_Meredith looked up and stared open mouth at the last person she expected to see in the world. "Addison?"_

"_Grey? Meredith?"_

_Definitely the last person she expected to see and most definitely the last person she wanted as her doctor. Crap._

**Chapter 3**

**A/N: Thanks for the lovely reviews….love you guys! Here's the next one.**

"Addison, you're the OB/GYN?" Meredith stood up, looking very uncertain.

Addison looking very confused at Meredith, but clearly something is up with the younger woman, "What are you doing here Meredith? Do the chief know you are in L.A.? More importantly does Derek know?"

Meredith panicked hearing Derek's name, "No! Derek doesn't know I'm here, and he shouldn't care where I am, not anymore."

"Okay." Addison saw the agitation on Meredith's face, instead focused on why she was here. "Why don't we go to my office?"

Meredith wordlessly followed Addison to her office, slightly relieved her affairs were not being broadcasted to the whole waiting room.

"This is a lot different from Seattle Grace." Meredith commented as they walked.

Addison smiled, "I know, isn't it? I thought I wouldn't practice medicine any other way besides being inside the OR, but now I don't think I wouldn't have it any other way. It's something else, being able to know your patients, being there until you see the babies grow up, see couples stay together. It is a wonderful sight."

Meredith nodded, understanding, "I bet Izzie would fit in here so well," thinking of her friend's tendency to be affected by her patients.

"You could thrive on this too, you know." Addison replied.

Addison opened the door, held it until Meredith went in, and took a seat on one of the couches. "So tell me why you are looking for a OB/GYN halfway through the country, with Derek do not know that you are here."

She was silent, not really liking that she was there, "You know what, I'm just gonna go, and …"

"No, no, you will not run away, I know you are here, now I want to know why you are here." Addison held up here hand, she saw that Meredith is still not convinced, "You walk, I call Derek and ask him."

That got her attention, clearly Addison was not above twisting the arm, and "Fine, Derek and I broke up. Actually we broke up before Burke and Christina's wedding, but then us being us, we got back together to have sex, S&M only, that was the rule, S&M only. Then things got complicated the way they always did…"

Addison stopped her, "Wait, what's S&M?"

Meredith looked at her frustrated that she was interrupted, "Sex and Mockery." She gestured if she can continue, which Addison nodded to.

"So anyway, things always got complicated with us, you know, you coming to town, the other guys, Finn, the commitment thing, and then now we have the nurse. I mean, come on, the rule was S&M only, then he just kept on pushing while it was S&M, and he was dating which I didn't like so I asked him not to date other women, which took me the whole day to say. Then came the plans for the house for our fictional family, which of course freaked me out, because we have not yet decided to end the S&M, then he saw that I freaked out, but before that he already kissed the nurse, which he did not tell me he kissed the dirty nurse until I heard it from George, because the whole hospital knew about it!"

She was rambling everything, to which Addison was just nodding, trying to piece everything together, and understanding the story knowing how Derek is and how Meredith seemed to be with all her issues.

"He just constantly does that; he just conveniently leaves out details that matter. He did not tell me he was married, and then he did not tell me he kissed the nurse. I stepped aside when he was with you, I mean you were clearly the better choice, sophisticated, top-notch world-renowned surgeon, but to go for the nurse. Come on! This was too much."

"And you are pregnant."

Meredith suddenly stopped her rambling, blushed and looked at the smiling Addison, very, very shocked.


	4. Chapter Four: Help from Unexpected Place

"_He just constantly does that; he just conveniently leaves out details that matter. He did not tell me he was married, and then he did not tell me he kissed the nurse. I stepped aside when he was with you, I mean you were clearly the better choice, sophisticated, top-notch world-renowned surgeon, but to go for the nurse. Come on! This was too much."_

"_And you are pregnant."_

_Meredith suddenly stopped her rambling, blushed and looked at the smiling Addison, very, very shocked._

**A/N: Next one up…love those who review!**

**Chapter 4**

Meredith was stunned, Addison knows she was pregnant; it was too late to deny it.

"Don't look so surprised Meredith; I guessed you were pregnant I saw you here, all the way from Seattle looking for a OB/GYN. From the sound of your story, my suspicions were confirmed." Addison explained seeing the stunned look on Meredith's face.

"So why don't you lie down and we'll have a look okay?"

Meredith did what she was told and listened to Addison as she went through the check up to make sure everything was fine.

"Well, it looks like everything is great." Addison told her smiling, "Now, you can tell me does the chief know?"

Meredith sighed, "Everyone who matters in Seattle know, except Derek. I got a transfer over at a Cedars, I'm going to start tomorrow."

"I see. Where do you plan on staying?"

"I am going to find a house around here, figured good to invest here, build a home for the baby." Meredith explained.

Addison nodded, "You will be staying here indefinitely, does that also mean, Derek will never know?"

She was determined to stay on track of her plans, even when it is tough, "Yes, I plan of keeping it that way."

Addison understood where Meredith was coming from, before she accepted that Meredith was really the one meant for Derek, she knew it was still a long road for the two, with all of Meredith's issues and hurts from family and Derek. It was inevitable.

"I know a place that Is perfect for you, it's in front of the beach, great place to raise a child."

Meredith felt that the day was full of surprises; she had her baby daddy's ex-wife helping her, "Why are you doing this Addison?"

Addison looked softly at Meredith, "I know what its like to pick up your life and move across the country for a purpose, I've done it a couple of times, I figured it would go better if there was a familiar friendly face to help you."

"Thank you, Addison."

Derek Shepherd walked into Seattle Grace Hospital with a determined outlook on life; he was going to get over Meredith and her issues, he was moving on with Rose. He had dinner with her the night before, they had great conversation, which does not happen too often with Meredith; he had dropped her off her place and left to go back to his trailer, which was another thing that does not occur during his relationship with Meredith. He had missed out a lot on that relationship that he was realizing now on the beginning stages of dating Rose.

_Stop it_

He was moving on, he should stop comparing. He should just go with the flow, be the one who is open to anything.

"Good morning, Shep."

He was moved out of his reverie when he heard the chief stand beside him in front of the elevators.

"Chief, I did not see you this morning."

Richard Webber looked at his head of neurosurgery from the corner of his eyes, "I came in early had to rearrange the interns assignment."

Derek frowned, "Was there anything wrong with it?"

"No, no, just a few rearrangements, very minor."Richard fibbed.

"I see."

Then they rode the elevator in silence, until the doors opened to reveal Christina Yang and her interns, clearly going up for rounds.

"Good Morning, Chief, Dr. Shepherd."

"Good Morning, Yang."

As Christina walked in the elevator, she glared at Derek, which was a usual occurrence to him, but now he noticed it was longer that usual and her eyes were sad, as if something was taken from her.

Derek also noticed one of Grey's interns a Dr. Carmichael was with Christina, maybe Meredith was off that day, he was not sure, he was not privy to her off days anymore since they had started their S&M meetings.

_Stop. You do not have the right to know where she is anymore. You are with Rose, who is bright and delightful and is ready for everything you want. Everything that Meredith is not ready for._


	5. Chapter Five: Uncomplicated

**A/N: This came a bit later…but its here nonetheless. Thanks for those who regularly review, I love you guys. Welcome to the new readers, love to hear from you guys!**

**Chapter 5**

Despite his determination not to think about Meredith, for the past week he was unconsciously constantly look for the green eyes and dirty blond hair around the halls of SGH. She must be somewhere in around the hospital, they had become experts in avoiding each other.

He was called to the ER for a consult, a guy who fell on his head while trying to propose to his girlfriend upside down just like in the Spiderman movie. _Guys and their big gestures, _he thought shaking his head. He was never one for big gestures, he proposed to Addison on a five star restaurant in New York, simple. With Meredith, well they never had a chance to do something worth calling a big gesture, with her not being ready and all that.

"Dr. Carmichael. Patient's status?"

Meredith's intern, looked up at Derek, stunned, he was never asked to present to an attending without his resident present; the head of Neurosurgery, no less. "James Lively, 33, white male, fell from the roof of head first. His girlfriend said he was trying to recreate the Spiderman movie, she said it was the movie they watched when they first met."

Derek frowned, "I did not ask why he fell, Dr. Carmichael, I asked about his status."

"Oh, he is in and out of consciousness. With blurred vision and he said his head hurts. Also shows obvious signs of concussion."

Derek nodded, "Ok get him into CT. Then ask Dr. Grey to scrub in with us, I am almost sure he has subdural hematoma from the blood coming from his nose."

Dr. Ian Carmichael perked up, "Sorry sir, my resident is now Dr. Yang, do you still want me to tell her to scrub in?"

It was Derek's turn to be stunned, "No, no, go get the CT; I'll be the one who talk to Yang."

Derek went back to the surgical floor; he did not know who to talk to first Richard or Christina. He was sure that Christina would not let him go a foot near her, much less answer all his questions about Meredith. So he just stood in his favorite spot in the hospital, sorting out his questions and thoughts. Why was Carmichael transferred to Yang? Was Meredith gone? Is that why he did not see her around the past week? _**Why did he care if she's gone? He's with starting to have a mature relationship with Rose right?**_

He glimpsed the chief in his office from the bridge; he started to step in that direction, but thought better about it. _Its over. He should not care, he does not have right to know. Not anymore._

He redirected himself, turning instead towards the nurses' station, intending to confirm his plans with Rose that night.

* * *

Meredith was smiling; she just realized it as she sipped her club soda on the bar, never thinking that just after a week of feeling helpless and lost, she would be smiling in L.A., with the help of her ex-boyfriend's, ex-wife.

She was half-listening to Cooper who was once again groaning to Sam and Pete about another internet chick he met, who left him the night before. They were waiting for Addison to finish checking her patient who just gave birth that morning.

Meredith had surprised even herself, adjusting to life in LA, her work in Cedars was challenging, having gotten her own set of interns just the day before. No one knew of her past in Seattle or that she was in-bred. All they knew that she was the resident transfer from a Seattle Hospital, that about it. Apparently, nurse gossip is not as rabid as it was in Seattle Grace.

She had outright declared her intent in neurosurgery to the chief of Cedars, Dr. Camden. He was supportive enough to introduced her to his world-famous head of neurosurgery, Dr. Gia Castillo. Dr. Castillo was surprisingly open to taking her under her wing, but she is strict and sometimes full of herself, she was a brain surgeon after all. Meredith took it all in stride, scrubbing in on the surgeries and learning, being able to focus on her chosen specialty, so unlike in SGH.

Everything in L.A. was uncomplicated, her work and her social life was exactly where it should be, peaceful and uncomplicated. The path to bright and shiny Meredith is on track.

"You look like you are thinking of happy thoughts."

Meredith looked up at Pete Wilder, the alternative doctor in Oceanside, "I was just savoring my uncomplicated life here."

Pete nodded, "L.A. suits you, and you are glowing."

"I never heard anyone tell me that before."

He smiled, "Well you are. Someday you can tell me why you are surprised to find life here uncomplicated."

Meredith nodded, "And one day you can tell me why your smile does not reach your eyes."

Pete cocked his head to the side, "You are the first person to notice that."

"It's easy to notice, when I see it in the mirror everyday."

Pete was silent, looking at Meredith; they both knew that they had found a person of their kind, one who was hurt, rejected, and alone; but not at that moment, not anymore.


	6. Chapter Six: Cracks

**A/N: Finally got back to writing, its been a hectic few weeks, lol. I hope you guys are still there. Love those who read and review.**

**Chapter 6**

For the first time in a long time, Meredith Grey was content, she had a job where she got lots of training on her chosen specialty; she's got friends, both in Seattle and new ones in L.A.; she's got a growing baby in her belly that started to show; in short, her life was peaceful at that moment.

Her baby was growing strong and healthy each day under the watchful eye of Addison and the whole Oceanside Wellness Group. People in Cedars Sinai were whispering about her pregnancy but quickly died down when another Hollywood celebrity was snuck in to have her leaking implants taken out. She was old news by that time.

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith turned around from doing charts on the nurses' station, to see her fellow resident, "Yes, Dr. Roberts."

"I was wondering if you would like to walk with me to get coffee, my treat." Jeremy Roberts flashed his signature smile that got most of the nurses flustered.

"Well, see I can't drink coffee, because of the baby, you know." Meredith replied.

Jeremy smiled, "Walk with me anyway? Or is you aversion is not to the coffee but to me wanting to get to know you better because of the baby or the baby's father?"

At that Meredith felt a new confidence in herself, this guy was the 'McDreamy of Cedars Sinai and he was interested in getting to know her better despite being pregnant. The old hurting Meredith would just drop everything and jump onto bed with him, but the new Meredith in L.A. is all about getting to know people, letting people in.

"Alright, let's get you some coffee; it looks like you need it." Meredith smirked.

Jeremy clutched his chest, as if hit in the heart, "Ouch, that meant I'm not looking too hot today."

Meredith just smiled teasingly at him, as they walked towards the coffee shop on the ground floor. She felt so at ease with this guy from the first day, she was glad to have her first potential friend in Cedars Sinai.

* * *

"So what did you and Jeremy talked about?" Violet asked Meredith during their session that evening.

Meredith was leaning back on the couch, rubbing her slightly protruding belly, while munching on grapes. "Well, it's more of him talking, he was telling me about the different celebrity encounters he had during his internship in Cedars Sinai, he was quite funny."

Violet urged her to continue, "He made you laugh."

Meredith nodded, "Yes, he did. Its funny, it was the first time that I had a great laugh with a guy in a very long time. Before, with Derek I cannot even remember laughing with him, it was always all the drama and intense passion that we have with each other, after Addison came back that is. It was never easy and carefree like the way we were when we first got together. I feel that I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, like I was waiting for another Addison to come and disrupt everything."

Violet nodded then looked at her watch, "I guess that's our time. You are doing good progress Meredith, being able to admit your fears and all."

"I think so too. I feel lighter altogether."

* * *

"Why don't we go to your place? You haven't showed me the infamous trailer." Rose told Derek as they walked out of SGH and trying to decide where they will have dinner.

Derek ignored the sickening feel in his gut when he heard Rose mention the trailer; in his mind it was always his and Meredith's trailer, even when Addison was living there; instead he pushed all those thoughts away and smiled at Rose, "Good idea, we'll get take out and eat there."

After getting take out from a Chinese restaurant, they rode the ferry towards his land. Derek tried not to think much about Meredith, but somehow in the past few days every little thing in his life seemed to remind him of Meredith. "_I have a thing for ferry boats," he told Meredith in the elevator then smelled the flowery scent of her hair that will forever remind him of her. Lavender. _At that moment he could smell a whiff of lavender in the air as he stood against the rails of the ferry boats.

He had urged Rose to come out of the car, but she was too cold to do so, so he stood on the rails, lost in his thoughts, thoughts he would rather not have.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How can you stand the cold? We could have taken the bridge." Rose told him, she was now more confident in telling him her thoughts now that Meredith Grey was out of the picture and therefore a small chance of Meredith getting Derek back. She had snagged the McDreamy of Seattle Grace, and now she was the rockstar nurse of SGH who got the attending for a boyfriend. She plans to be that way until she wears transfers the engagement ring on her neck to her finger.

Derek frowned, and then forced himself to clear it off before replying with a shrug, "I always have a thing for ferry boats, especially Seattle's ferry boats."

"Oh," Rose reddened, she realized that they were not yet at the point of their relationship to be too vocal of her preferences, "Well, I can get over the cold, especially if we cuddle." She smiled teasingly at Derek hoping he get the hint to hold her.

Derek closed his arms around Rose, trying to shake to feeling of being patronized. Instead, he just looked out the bay mindlessly tuning out Rose's babble.


	7. Chapter Seven: Distraction

**A/N: Huge apologies to those who were following this story, life got the most of me, opened an online store on top of work, didn't have time to just sit down and write. Very sorry, hope I do better in updating this time.**

**Chapter 7**

"Good job in there Dr. Grey, I am happy to have such an experienced neuro resident transferring here in Cedars. Dr. Shepherd at Seattle Grace did a great job mentoring you." Gia Castillo acknowledge Meredith as they were scrubbing out of a subdural hematoma, she had basically done by herself alone, unassisted.

"Thank you, Dr. Castillo." Meredith replied to her boss, pushing aside the rush of emotions upon hearing Derek's name for the first time after almost a month and a half of moving to L.A. "It was a rush. Doing it all on my own."

Dr. Castillo smiled, she saw the spark of ingenuity and drive in Meredith that she herself had 12 years ago when she was a second year resident. She knew Meredith will get to the top, even with a baby in tow; with her talent, there was no other place to go. "I have a craniotomy happening later this afternoon, if you are interested in assisting."

"Definitely, Dr. Castillo, and I must thank you for the opportunities you are giving me." Meredith smiled back.

"Dr. Grey, you are one of the better residents that I have right now, I do not waste my time on teaching the good, I want to focus on the better ones to be the best." With that she went out the door, leaving a very self-fulfilled Meredith.

It was not every day that her mentor commended her, and to think of it, there were not a lot of compliments and appreciation going her way in her whole life. It was a nice change, very nice indeed.

With a loving rub on her 4-month old bump, she went out of the scrub room to check on her patient.

* * *

If someone told her six months ago that she will be sitting on a beach house in L.A. with Addison Forbes Montgomery and just hanging out, she will probably die laughing. That was exactly what she was doing at that moment, what she was doing for the past few months.

It had become a regular thing for both of them when they were not out with their friends. They catch up on their day, either on her deck or Addison's; tonight it was on Addison's deck.

She was lounging on one of Addison's deck chairs, while drinking sparkling water, as Addison was telling her about the patient that she had that day with 6 kids and another one on the way.

"She has this six rambunctious boys and all she wanted was to try for a girl," Addison ended her story. "What happened to you today?"

Meredith took a sip of her sparkling water, "Not much, had two surgeries on my own, kept my interns in line. Same old thing, you know."

Addison eyes got wide at the start of her statement, "You flew solo on a neuro case? On 2 neuro cases? That is great! Congratulations Mer."

"I know. It was such a rush, I thought the ultimate high was when I was just touching the brain or the heart while retracting or cutting. But to just be in control and be the one in the middle, the one in front of the brain; that was too much for words." Meredith told her, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

Addison nodded, knowing exactly what she means; it really was different, reminiscing her experience when she was a resident. "I know what you mean."

Meredith looked at Addison's thoughtful gaze, "Don't you miss it Addison? To have 2 or 3 surgeries in a day, the rush of running your own OR?"

"I guess, sometimes." Addison sighed, "But, to actually meet my patients and get to know them, see the babies that delivered grow up, that's another high all in itself. I felt the rush of cutting people open the whole day for 15 years, not having a relationship with them, it made me seem cold like in a operating room. Now, I realize there is warmth in practicing medicine."

"Maybe in a few years, I will feel that way. For now, I cannot wait to get back into the OR again."

Addison smiled, looking at Meredith, she too cannot believe that she was hanging out with Meredith Grey. It was like out of Primetime drama series that she was friends with the woman that her ex-husband left her for. But knowing L.A. Meredith was much easier than knowing Seattle Meredith, where they were constrained by their past.

And looking at Meredith right now, and comparing to what she had seen from afar in Seattle, L.A. is a good thing for Meredith, even with a baby on the way without Derek, she was happier and more focused on her career than she ever was back in Seattle.

* * *

Derek was not having a good day, his patient died that morning after 30 minutes of trying to revive him, and he had to call it. The man had 2 kids and he was just 30 years old, Derek had to go and tell the man's wife that her husband was dead at 10 that morning.

It was now lunch time and he had spent the last 10 minutes starting at his lunch inside his office. He was too distracted from his life, he knew it, Mark knew it, and even the chief knew it. The only person who was oblivious of his distraction in his life is Rose.

"Shep, the sandwich is not going to eat itself without you putting it in your mouth." The voice in the door startled him from his staring contest.

"What?" Derek looked up to his best friend. He did not hear the door to his office open.

Mark invited himself to a place on the couch inside Derek's office, looking at the sorry state his best friend dug himself in for the past month, he knew he had to do something, "What do you say you ditch the plant tonight and we go to Joe's?"

"Her name is Rose."

Mark smirked, "I know."

Derek had to chuckle at that, he knew he needed the night out with Mark, he was too unfocused and Rose was not doing anything to snap him out of it, and he knew he needed to snap of it. "I'll meet you at Joe's at 9."

"Good. "


	8. Chapter Eight: Epiphany

**A/N: I am so happy to see you guys are still there. Welcome to those who just started reading. Most of you are loving the Addie-Mer friendship, and are happy that Mer is doing well in L.A. Plant haters will have their day soon, I think Derek should realize that he was an ass first and fix himself just like Mer is fixing herself up to be a good mother. Thanks again for all the love! NOTE: 5.06 storyline spoilers for this chapter  
**

**Chapter 8**

Mark was already nursing his first glass of scotch when Derek went through Joe's door. He was side tracked by Rose as he was leaving the hospital. She was trying to convince him a little too loudly for the benefit of the nurses at the station to ditch Mark at Joe's, and bring her with him back to the his trailer.

But Derek values Mark as his best friend to just stand him up. Much to Rose's consternation and to the delight of the nurse's at the station, he had basically told her off. He did not know when he developed his irritation to the whiny and the tinge of clingy in Rose, but that day was not a good day for Derek.

So when he sat beside Mark all gloomy and distracted, Mark proceeded to signal Joe for another Double Scotch for his best friend.

"What's with the long face? I thought tonight was going to be a man's night, you know, chugging a few drinks, chase up a few skirts? By the look you have, no sensible woman would sleep with you." Mark told Derek.

Derek, downed the scotch that Joe put in front of him, in two gulps, then he proceeded to slam the glass on the bar. "Another one Joe"

"Bad day, Dr. Shepherd?" Joe asked as he poured him another double.

"More like a bad month and a half," Mark answered for him.

Derek shot him a look, and then took another sip of his drink, "It's not a month and a half, I just had a bad day."

Mark smirked, "You were on your way then Derek. Ever since Grey left, it was like you were a walking zombie or a robot. It was like you were following the plant wherever she was leading you to."

All Derek did to answer, was drink the last of his scotch and signalled to Joe for another one. Lost in his thoughts, he was afraid to admit out loud that he made a mistake, and that Mark was 101% right.

Because, he was not ready to face what he had lost.

* * *

"Addison Montgomery." Addison answered her mobile phone without looking at the screen.

"Addie, Richard Webber here."

Addison smiled, it was always nice to talk to her mentor, "Richard, How are things?"

Richard moved to the point, "Well, it had been a rough month here at the hospital, going down to 12th."

"Yes, I heard about that. But I know you are pushing past that and improving things in SGH."

"Things are doing better; we have recently gotten back our Level 1 Trauma Unit classification."

Addison had an idea of where the conversation was going, "That is great Richard."

"The reason I am calling you, is that I want you back Addison. Seattle Grace need you back." Richard was sounding desperate to Addison.

But she can't give in; she can't give up her life in L.A.

Addison sighed, trying the making the let down gentle to her mentor, she owe him too much, "We have talked about this Richard, I love my life here in L.A. I made new friends, I know all my patients; I even see the babies that I have saved on a regular basis when they see the paediatrician."

Richard sighed to the phone too, "I know you have made friends there Addison, and I know Meredith is there. And I am happy that you two have become friends even despite you past. But as _your mentor_, I cannot lament too much on the fact that a world-class double degree neonatal surgeon is not cutting and saving lives every day."

He was playing the guilt card. She had that feeling too, sometimes. She knew she was not doing her full potential in the Clinic, she was doing studies and clinical trials, instead she was the basic OB-GYN; sometimes.

"Richard, I cannot leave now, I have patients the clinic needs me." Addison knew that the Richard had always had soft spot for Meredith Grey, "Meredith is enjoying her life here, and I am her doctor; I can't leave her, when so near her due date."

"Alright, I will not force you to leave L.A. permanently at this moment. But I need you here temporarily. We have a case that was sent over by Mercy West, the couple insisted to be sent here, because they thought you were still with SGH. They insisted that you be the one to treat them."

"Who are they?"

"Remember the couple with two uteri? Well they got pregnant again."

Addison sighed, she had to give in, "Okay I will be there. Expect me to be there the day after. Please email me a copy of her charts, so I can review on the flight."

Happiness was evident on Richard's voice, "I will see you then Addie."

Addison sighed as she hang up, she had to tell Naomi and Meredith that she was going back to Seattle Grace.

* * *

"So how are you?" Christina asked through the mobile phone as she talked to her person.

Meredith was taken aback, Christina never ask her on how she was, it was their thing. Something is definitely up, "I'm fine, the baby's fine. You?"

"I kissed the new trauma attending."

Meredith couldn't help but smile, Christina had a story to tell, "Okay. Is he hot?"

"No, you do not get it. I kissed him a couple of weeks ago! When he pulled out the shard of icicle from my stomach. Now today, he didn't know my name. And I have to save 5 pigs that he stabbed only to put them out after. Pathetic! I did not want to put them out!"

Meredith just listened to Christina ramble on how the trauma attending was butting heads with the other attendings, namely Mark and Derek, and how he was changing the way the ER was run. It was pretty obvious her friend was impressed with the new guy.

It was at time like this when talking to her friends, that she missed Seattle, even Derek, sometimes. She was still silently letting Christina vent through the phone, lost in her thoughts of Seattle while rubbing her almost 7 months old pregnant belly.

Seattle was still home.

**A/N: I think Mer is almost ready. Now, I need to make Derek see the light, with Addie going back to SGH, she will surely help him there right?**


	9. Chapter Nine: Destroyed

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I know some (one review) was getting antsy on pace of my writing. But I would like to point out, that this is fiction. Again thanks for all the love good or bad.**

**Disclaimer: All the regular stuff, I don't own a thing, yadda yadda...**

**Chapter 9**

Derek walked briskly towards the board; he had a day off the day before which he spent fishing and trying to regain his perspective in life. Today, he felt somewhat energized and refreshed to work.

He tried to push the voice in his head aside that one of the reasons of his rejuvenation was that he did not see Rose the day before having had to pull a back to back shift. He knew that one of these days he had to sort out the mess that was him and Rose.

He had to admit that even during the S&M and Addison-gate part of his relationship with Meredtih never did he felt relief when he does not need to see her; instead he craved for even just a glimpse.

Now, he was trying to act unperturbed when Rose was near him, all clingy and flustered all over him; when all he wanted to do was run as far away as he can go. And he was still officially in a relationship with her.

As he neared the board he saw the chief there with a very familiar looking redhead – well now she is slightly more brunette.

"Addison?"

Addison looked behind Richard to smile at her ex-husband. "Hello Derek."

Richard was too happy to have these world-class surgeons under his hospital, "Ah Shep, Addison's here to operate on the two uteri patient. And I am trying to convince her to stay. I expect you and Mark to convince her too."

Derek and Addison laughed at that, they both knew, that Mark and Derek cannot convince Addison to do something that she does not want to be convinced to do.

"Well Addison, you know your way around. Find Bailey to get which resident and interns you want. Then I will leave you to it." With that Richard went on his way.

Derek smiled at Addison, "So...How's L.A.?"

Addison smiled back, "Great, great. I am working with great people, and of course Sam and Naomi, who are on and off again."

They both moved toward the nurse's station, "So are you seeing someone?"

Addison laughed at that, "No not really. There is someone I am attracted to, yeah, but it's too soon to go with it." Looking back at him, already knowing the answer but she still feigned ignorance, "How about you? How is Meredith?"

She saw the downcast that befell Derek's face at the mention of Meredith, "No," he sighed, "Meredith left more than 4 months ago, I don't know where she is."

"Have you tried looking for her? Have you asked Yang? Stevens? O'Malley? Even Karev?"

Derek scoffed, "Yeah and they will tell after all that Meredith and I have been through."

Addison looked pointedly at him, and arched one eyebrow, "So you are telling me that you haven't looked for her, did not even care where she had gone? You did not care to look for her after all you have been through?"

Derek hung his head, he knew Mark was hinting on this the other night, but was too much of a friend to let on. Addison on the other hand, was a friend too, but her personality was not to stand by as her friends make mistakes.

"It was too much drama, Addison, I couldn't handle it. I wanted things she was not ready to give me."

Addison looked at him pointedly, "Yeah and drama wasn't there when you left her for your wife. Derek that woman had been through so much in her life. People are always leaving her. No one ever goes and looks for her when she leaves, "she said softly. "No one has ever fought for her. And with you letting things are, you are just like everyone else in her life. You were expecting her to change her perspective on people in her life, do you think by not going after her is proving you are different?"

With a huff, Addison walked away from a very thoughtful Derek.

* * *

Derek was thinking while walking. He went inside an on-call room. Locked it and laid down on the bed. He knew he was alone. Alone with his thoughts on what Addison said to him. He was alone with his memories of Meredith, of his life.

He knew he was wrong in just leaving Meredith, without giving her a chance. He was getting impatient. He knew his impatience was out of place. He just came out of an 11 year marriage and already he wanted another marriage to follow that one.

In fact, he should know how she feels; his trust was destroyed by his wife and best friend. In one night he lost his entire life like he knew it. Everything was destroyed, broken, lost. He did not know where to turn to, he ran away.

_You don't listen to her  
You don't care how it hurts  
Until you lose the one you wanted_  
'_Cause you're taking her for granted  
And you everything you had got destroyed  
But you were just a boy_

He was hurt, like she was hurt all her life. Like Addison said, she was being left behind all her life, she couldn't trust anyone, and she only had herself.

He remembered her tear-stained eyes when she was telling him to pick her, love her at the scrub room, when he was choosing between her and his wife. He chose his wife, which was wrong, he let her down then. He saw her again in his mind when he told her that he was leaving for to be with the better man, to Finn, when unknowingly she had already picked him.

She couldn't help but give him the chance again and again, but in all those times, he let her down. After all those letdowns, he expected her to still believe in him and trust him.

Flashes of Meredith came to his mind, and the many times that he let her down. The many times that he became selfish. The many times that she had tried to open herself up to her, but still he wanted more, he wanted her to depend on her. He wanted her to depend on him, when all she had known in her life is that she only has herself to depend on.

The more he thought of the way he had treated Meredith, the more longing he feels, only to be disheartened, she left more than 4 months ago. She has a new life now; one that he knew was less drama, with new friends, colleagues, a hospital that did not know her life story.

He knew she was continuing her residency in another top hospital in the country. He knew he can find her in his own efforts, but the question was does she want to be found by him? Has she moved on? Shouldn't he leave her alone with all the hurt that he cause her?

_It's a little too late for you to come back  
Say it's just a mistake  
Think I'd forgive you like that  
If you thought I would wait for you  
You thought wrong_

Song: If I Were a Boy – Beyonce (love this song!!)


	10. Chapter Ten: Helpless

**Chapter 10**

**A/N: So sorry for those who have been waiting for an update. Thanks for still being there and the encouragement...**

**Disclaimer: All the regular stuff, I don't own a thing, yadda yadda...**

Derek was still lying down on the on-call room weighing in on the pros and cons of his going after Meredith. When something occurred to him, on what Addison said, more specifically on how Addison had said it.

He sat up, it seems like he did not have to look for Meredith, because Addison knows where she is.

He knew his ex-wife, the way she blew up at him, she knew more than she was letting on. Meredith and Addison were never close, during almost Meredith's drowning she showed compassion and concern to both of them, but she always stayed a few feet back. Why did she seem a little too close now, a smidge too affected?

Derek quickly got to his feet and threw the on-call room open. His heart was racing; he needed to talk to his ex-wife.

* * *

Addison was scrubbing out of a successful surgery relieved and thoughtful. Being back in SGH, the feeling of going back to being a full-time surgeon was harder to overcome; unlike when she was in L.A. where she only had operating privileges in Charlotte's hospital. She did not have a connection with that hospital, not the connection that she had with Seattle Grace.

She was lost in her thoughts when suddenly the door flew open; a flustered and breathless Derek Shepherd came in. "Where is she?"

Addison remained calm and impassive, "Who?"

Derek released a sigh, powerless, "You know who Addison. Meredith. I know that you know where she is. "

Addison looked at Derek with a hard stare, she took in is dishevelled appearance, the unruly curls, dark circles under the eyes, lines on the face. This was not the optimistic neurosurgeon that she left in Seattle. He was on top of the world with Meredith when she left, he was happy then; now he was the shadow of the man he was.

If Meredith would see him now, she would forgive Addison for what she was about to do.

"Clean yourself up. I'll meet you at your trailer tonight, we'll talk then."

**A/N: I know its short, but I'm still contemplating on how far I want this to go. Thanks again for those who are still rooting for me. I really appreciate it, this chapter is because of you guys.**


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